Myles Anton’s Birth Story

I wish someone would’ve told me to buckle up because it was going to be a wild ride.  We thought we knew what to expect with an induction with a crazy belly because of what we went through with Paige. 

Sunday, February 2nd was Bradley’s 8^th birthday.  We originally planned to have family over for an early dinner because we were scheduled to go in for our induction at 10 pm.  A few days beforehand, they changed our arrival time to 6 pm, so we switched our plans to lunch and cake with family.  Everyone left around 4 so that I could shower, eat a quick dinner, and pack up the car. 

We ended up leaving a little late and arrived around 6:30 pm.  We got all settled in the room, got my iv port placed, and hooked up to the monitors.  While sitting there relaxing and waiting for the doctor, I realized my Braxton Hicks contractions seemed to be coming at regular intervals.  Conrad looked at the monitor and said they were every 5 minutes!  Apparently I was going into labor on my own!  Just before 9, Dr. Singh checked my cervix. I was not dilated at all, so she put me on Cervidil at 9:15 pm to soften my cervix and start dilation and said she would come back to check on me in 6 hours, instead of the usual 12 hours. My contractions didn’t hurt at this point so we both tried to sleep a bit.  It was difficult for me to sleep because of the contractions though, as they picked up in intensity a little.  They apparently slowed down and were less intense so I did end up falling asleep at some point after midnight.  At 3 am the nurse came in, woke me up, and said the doctor would be in shortly to check.  I kept myself awake at this point waiting for her.  By 4:30 am, she still hadn’t come in.  I asked our nurse and she said Dr. Singh decided not to check me until the full 12 hours were up. I had a hard time falling back to sleep after this, of course.  At 8:45 am my contractions were 3 minutes apart and increasing in intensity.  Around 9:30 am they came to take the Cervidil out and check me; I was only a fingertip dilated.  At this point I was frustrated.  Originally they said the Cervidil would help me dilate but now they were saying it was mostly just for softening the cervix. I went in for the induction thinking I’d have the baby by Monday morning, but here I was only a fingertip dilated.  Paige’s induction took 15 hours total and here we were at 15 hours and basically no progress. The doctor (now Dr. Wright) said she will let me rest for an hour after the Cervidil and then she will come back for a re-check and decide next steps.  Around 10, Conrad went to get breakfast.  At that point, Dr. Wright and the midwife Bevin came in.  She tried to check my cervix again, which hurt SO badly I almost jumped off the bed and started crying. I had been super sensitive in my pelvic floor for a couple of months due to the extreme weight pulling on my ligaments. The next thing they did was push my belly up and then tried to put a stomach binder on me (the same kind used after a c-section) to try to hold the baby head down and in place.  That made me cry even harder, as the pressure was extreme around my fluid-filled belly; I felt like a balloon about to burst. I told them to take it off because it hurt so badly.  Then they tried putting a large sticky sheet on my belly and taping it up to my gown, which obviously didn’t work since my gown just moved, so then that came off.  I kept asking if they spoke to Dr. Giovine, who was familiar with my situation, and they said no.  I asked about breaking my water to keep the baby head down and I was told no, but it was not explained why.  Dr. Wright said that I’ll probably need a Foley balloon to help me dilate, but she wasn’t going to touch me down there anymore unless I have an epidural.  So sooner than I wanted, I agreed to the epidural.

Conrad came back from getting food to me crying and I had to tell him what had happened in the few minutes he was gone. At this point he called Shannon, our doula, to fill her in on what had happened.  She said whenever we were ready for her, she would come to the hospital. We decided just before 11:30 to tell her to start heading over.

At 11:30 the anesthesiologist came in.  I braced myself for the burning numbing shot. Then she poked around a little.  Then another burning numbing shot followed by more poking around. Then a THIRD burning numbing shot with more poking around before she finally got the catheter in!  She claimed she “kept hitting bone because (I’m) bony”. Uhhh, it’s my spine, of course it’s bony.  And isn’t this your job?! Aren’t you a specialist when it comes to putting catheters into spines?! I was not a happy camper. Getting a needle in your back is nerve-wracking enough and she had to keep poking me I don’t know how many times.

Around 12:30, Dr. Wright came back in to give me cytotec, which is a medication to help dilation.    She explained then that they couldn’t break my water at that point because the baby’s cord was right next to his face and there was a risk it would come out with the gush of water; this would be a major emergency.

At 3:20, Dr. Wright came back and tried another cervical check.  It still hurt to the point of tears.  She told me, “the Foley balloon is going to hurt more than that”.  She tried it anyway, with me crying and yelling “ow” over and over.  Then decided, “well, you’re actually 3 cm, so you don’t need it.”  Didn’t she feel that I was 3 cm before she tried the Foley balloon?

I cried so many times out of pain and frustration that day that I lost count.  I felt like my doctor wasn’t listening to me and didn’t believe the extreme pain I was in.  I was told that Dr. Giovine would be coming after he finishes with his patients at his office, around 5:30 or 6.

Apparently Dr. Giovine told Dr. Wright and Bevin how to tape my belly up (even though I had explained how it was done last time).  They got another large sticky sheet and covered my entire belly, then used other tape connected to my shoulders to pull it all up.

At 3:45, Pitocin was started at 2mU/min.  I was told it would be increased by 2mU/min every half an hour.  Around 5 pm, I noticed that they hadn’t come in to up my dose at all, but my contractions were closer together and definitely stronger;  since I had started labor on my own, I didn’t need much Pitocin at all.  I also noticed that my epidural wore off.  The anesthesiologist came back in, put a syringe worth of something in, and left.  I got a little more numb, but not for long.

At 6 o’clock on the dot, Dr. Giovine walked in.  Boy, was I glad to see him!  Just before this, I started to feel the pressure in my bottom, which I know is a sign that I’ll need to push soon. Dr. G gloved up, checked me at 6:05 to feel where baby’s head was, and inadvertently broke my water.  I felt the gush and asked, “what was that?!”  For some reason, my immediate thought was that it was blood; I don’t know why my mind went there instead of my water.  He said, “Well, your water broke and you’re 10cm!” Cue everyone frantically getting the room ready for delivery- Conrad had to clear off a table we had our stuff on so they could set it up for delivery tools, the tape was being ripped off of me as quickly as possible (and definitely tore my skin in a few spots), the nurses and Dr. Wright were rushing in.  I told Dr. G that my epidural wore off.  He asked if I wanted him to get the anesthesiologist.  I asked him if we had time.  He said, “I could get them for you or we could just try this.” Guess we’re just going to try this…I knew we didn’t have time.

The immediate relief I felt after my water broke was so welcome.  I actually felt contractions so much less because there was no water pressure that my uterus was contracting against.

At 6:19 I started pushing with Dr. Giovine in position as the delivery doctor and Dr. Wright holding the baby in place in my belly from the outside, just as Dr. Massaro had done during my delivery with Paige; I heard Dr. Giovine whispering instructions to her on what exactly she had to do. Five contractions, 11 minutes later, and no epidural relief, Myles Anton was born on Monday, February 3rd.  I could NOT believe I delivered without any pain medication.  The pain I felt was so intense, but I knew that the pain would be gone as soon as he was out, which gave me that much more strength to push as hard as I could. Of course I started bawling with happiness once he was out.  I couldn’t wait for my pregnancy to be over; I was so miserable at the end and just wanted that baby in my arms.  I thought he was our smallest baby of all, as he looked so small to me, so I was shocked to find out he weighed 8lbs 11oz! He was 3oz more than Bradley was, but 1.5 inches shorter at 20 inches vs Bradley’s 21.5 inches.

We immediately did skin to skin and after about an hour, he latched on to nurse!  Neither Paige nor Bradley was able to do that so soon.  We called family on video chat to tell them Myles was born; we were so happy we were able to do so before the kids went to bed!  I was feeling pretty good and was hungry for the first time after a delivery.  Conrad ordered dinner to be delivered for us since the cafeteria was already closed. Our doula left at 8:15.  Shannon was such a huge help during my labor and delivery, always putting a positive spin on what was happening when I was getting discouraged, getting me cold washcloths, and just great emotional support for me and Conrad.

So I was feeling pretty good… until around 8:30 pm, when my nurse Sara told me that I need to pee before leaving for the recovery room.  I thought that was strange, as I’d never had to do that before and I had just had a catheter because of the (failed) epidural.  I sat up on the side of the bed and asked for my water.  Sara asked if I was feeling ok and I said, “I feel a little off”.  She had me sit there another minute or so and then wanted to me to get into the Sally Steady, which is a little cart type of thing that I would kind of lean in to get over to the bathroom.  It’s not a wheelchair, but it’s made specifically for people who can’t use their legs well enough to walk and is pushed by another person.  She told me to grab the bar, pull myself up, and lock my knees.  I stood up and felt a gush come out of me.  I immediately started to feel faint.  I said, “I’m going to faint”.  Sara said, “you’re ok, lock your knees”.  I said again, “I’m gonna faint. Black.” (I remember saying “black” because everything went black and I couldn’t make that a full sentence).  And I was out and apparently down. Conrad was holding Myles at the time and the nurse quickly told him to look for alcohol wipes.  He couldn’t find them so she told him to put the baby down and help.  He ran over and caught me along with the nurse (everything happened very quickly he said).  At this point, 4 more nurses and Dr. Moghe came into the room.  They had to figure out how to get me out of the Sally Steady while holding up my dead weight.  I remember hearing someone say they were going to lift me into the bed.  The next thing I remember was people shaking me and saying, “Come on Lauren, wake up!  Wake up!”  I could barely open my eyes.  They started asking me questions and I just kept saying, “so tired” and keeping my eyes closed.  They gave me another IV port in case it was needed, drew blood to check my levels of everything, gave me a shot to stop the bleeding, and Dr. Moghe got out some blood clots and inserted another catheter. I was so out of it that all of these things didn’t even bother me enough to flinch in the slightest.  I ended up sleeping for about 2 hours in the delivery room before feeling ok enough to sit up and eat a chicken taco that Conrad had ordered.

Once I ate and felt a bit better, they got everything ready to transfer me to recovery. We arrived in our recovery room around 11:40 pm.  The rest of our stay was thankfully uneventful, just full of vitals checks and medications.  Paige and Bradley came on Tuesday afternoon to meet their new brother, along with my parents.  Devin and Nicole came Tuesday evening.  We got discharged on Wednesday at 11:30 am, so we were able to come home to a quiet house and get settled for a couple hours before the kids came home from school.  Everyone is so happy Myles is finally here to snuggle and love on. Welcome to this crazy world, my sweet rainbow baby.

Wait, WHAT?! OMG!

Ever since our last embryo didn’t take, we figured we would just see if anything happened naturally- if it did, great, if it didn’t, ok.  The only reason we took this approach was because after the failed transfer, I had a pretty regular cycle without medication for the first time ever in my life. I didn’t really have much hope though, since we started our family-building journey almost 10 years ago and never even got close to getting pregnant on our own.  But I always had this little feeling that our family just wasn’t complete; maybe it was because I always pictured having 3 children and when we got 3 embryos, that dream was more of a reality.

After our failed transfer in February 2023, we spent a couple months using ovulation tests, timing things, etc.  Then I just got tired of it, and we got busy with life where one month turned into another and another.  I honestly kind of forgot about the ovulation tests.  Then my job changed in January of this year, as I took over the position of the Planning Board Secretary and Zoning Secretary when she left.  I started working more hours (31 instead of 20), applied for the Land Use Administrator position, had a couple interviews, and officially got hired the end of April.

In May, I decided to take an ovulation test just for the heck of it to see if my body was still doing what it’s supposed to.  I didn’t do anything with the results though, it was just for my own knowledge.  My cycle was anywhere from 23-27 days, which is short.  This was another reason I didn’t have much hope of ever getting pregnant naturally, since that is less time for lining to build up (which my body struggled with even with medications for my transfers) and hormones to be at appropriate levels.

June 5^th, I realized it was day 26 with no signs in sight of “my visitor” arriving, which wasn’t completely unusual.  But for some reason, I told myself that if I woke up the next day without it, I’d take a pregnancy test.

June 6^th, I woke up and took a test.  I put it on the 5ish foot wall in our bathroom that separates our toilet from the rest of the bathroom, and set the 5-minute timer.  I was in the middle of getting dressed and getting the kids up and ready for school.  I stood on my tiptoes to peek at the test before the timer went off, thinking to myself that it’s pointless, it’s just going to be negative like in the past… and SAW 2 DARK LINES!  Wait, WHAT?!  I grabbed the package and looked to see what 2 lines meant because surely it couldn’t mean what I thought it did.  2 lines= positive.  I looked at the test again, back to the package, then back at the test and thought Oh My God.  There wasn’t even a question about the lines… the test line was just as dark as the control line.  I clasped my hand over my mouth and just kept thinking OMG over and over and over.  I was too shocked to even cry, but I was definitely shaking.  Conrad was at work and I wasn’t about to tell him over text.  Of course it was my late night for work with a Planning Board meeting, so I wouldn’t even be able to tell him until I got home that night.

I messaged my nurse from when I went to RMA and asked if I could be monitored since it’s my first non-ivf pregnancy.  She checked with my doctor and he was fine with that.  My nurse called while I was driving Paige to school to set up my first blood work appointment. Of course Paige heard the whole conversation over the Bluetooth speakers and asked if Bradley had to get blood work (he had to get it a couple times last year from all the strep throat he had).  I told her I did, just as a regular checkup.

I went to work and the day POKED by, as to be expected.  Luckily my meeting was short, and I was home by 8:15, but then helped with putting the kids to bed.  Around 9, I finally was able to tell Conrad.  I told him something really shocking happened this morning and showed him a picture of the test.   He dropped to his knees and hugged me.  We were both in so much shock.  Then he told me that at dinner, Bradley said he had a dream the night before that he had to get bloodwork (so weird), and Paige piped up, Mama has to get blood work tomorrow!  Conrad told her, “no, Mama has a hair appointment tomorrow” and Paige responded, “No, she has to get blood work”.  (Don’t ever tell that girl something you don’t want repeated!)  Conrad then started thinking about it and knew there was only one reason I would be going for blood work.

I woke up early on Friday to go for blood work to check my hcg level.  With Paige and Bradley, it was in the 300’s at my first test, which is 9 days past a 5 day old embryo transfer, making it 2 weeks after fertilization.  They look for 50 and above to be positive.  When my nurse called with results, she said, “Congratulations, you’re definitely pregnant!  Your hcg is 1315, which is high for when your last period was.  Dr. Molinaro wants you to come in Monday morning for an ultrasound since your hcg is over 1,000, which means you probably ovulated early and could be further along already.” More shock.

Looking back, I had a few signs of pregnancy the past week but figured they were just random- cramps a week before that I thought were pre-visitor, losing more hair in and after showers (happened with Paige, but just figured I was stressed), and a couple other things.  The weekend then of course crawled by.  Monday morning I went in for more blood work and ultrasound, where they looked for a sac.  It was clearly there and measuring 5 weeks 2 days; hcg up to 3968.  Oh my gosh, this is really real now!  Another 10 day wait brought us to the heartbeat ultrasound appointment.  I was so nervous.  They took me in for an ultrasound before blood work and I got my phone ready to record so that Conrad could see/hear if there was good news… there was!  Baby’s heart rate was between 114-122, which was perfect, and measured 6 weeks, 2 days.  I finally teared up then, because it hit me that this miracle baby is really in there and growing.  The doctor told me I’ll have one more appointment and then be discharged.  Next appointment is June 28^th, where I’m pretty sure I’ll be a day shy of 8 weeks.

This whole time, I haven’t told my family.  As badly as I want to, I want to completely surprise them.  We’re having both set of parents over for dinner on the 29^th to thank them for helping with our new deck and get to use our new deck furniture. I bought t-shirts for the kids that say Big Brother Again and Big Sister and plan on putting them on and just waiting for someone to notice.  I’m hoping to capture it on video.  Because of Paige repeating everything, we aren’t going to tell her and Bradley until right before I put their shirts on them.  I didn’t plan on telling them this early but need to for the shirts since Bradley can read and Paige would ask what it says.  I also am showing already and have noticed people trying to discreetly look at my belly, but I’ve noticed every time.  Of course it can’t be winter where I can hide under big sweaters!  After telling our families, I plan on telling my boss/co-workers.  I’ve noticed a few of them looking at my belly, I can’t hide it anymore and want to wear comfortable maternity clothes (because everything is getting tight already), and we need to figure out who I am going to train to take over while I’m on maternity leave. 

Snowflake #3 Wouldn’t Come To Be

Friday, February 24^th: Waiting until 3 pm was torture. Then it came and went with no call.  At 3:15 I messaged my nurse, Adrienne: Just checking if you have our results yet

3:19 Adrienne: Yes, Dr. Molinaro said he was going to call.  Please let me know if he does not call in the next 10 min or so as I told him you did not want results until after 3 pm

3:30 Me: Still haven’t heard from him

3:30 Phone call from RMA: “Hi, it’s Adrienne. I… um… unfortunately it was negative…”  I don’t know what else she said after that.  Conrad took the phone and I just started sobbing. I fell to the floor and just cried hysterically.  Completely gutted.  Our last chance to ever have another baby just gone. I wanted to bring that little girl home to her siblings SO badly.  I wanted to snuggle our third little baby, feel her soft fuzzy hair, breastfeed again, give birth again.  Ever since having Bradley, I pictured our lives with 3 kids.  As Paige has grown and I packed away her baby clothes, I was always happy thinking about using them again on our next little girl.  Knowing how excited she would’ve been to have a baby sister.  We changed her room when we were doing our house over to have 2 closets, planning on having 2 little girls.  I felt like that little embryo was the last missing piece to our family, just waiting to join us.  I feel so empty knowing she didn’t make it.  I knew it wasn’t guaranteed to work, but after having the odds against us with Paige and having success, I just took for granted that it would work again.  Having two ivf miracles already doesn’t take away the deep pain I feel of losing this one. My entire life I wanted 3 kids.  When we got 3 healthy embryos, I thought it was meant to be.  Our kids don’t (and won’t) have any first cousins.  I don’t have any best friends anymore where our kids would be like cousins.  I wanted our kids to at least have 2 siblings to count on and have fun with.  It’s just so hard to have my last little (big) dream ripped away for no explainable reason.  They’ll never know why she didn’t stick.  Everything was perfect on paper.  I cannot explain it, but I had a weird feeling all week that it didn’t work, but I kept pushing those thoughts away and remaining hopeful. I spent the 2+ hours after the phone call just crying on and off, hiding upstairs so the kids wouldn’t see.  Dr. Molinaro called me to see how I was, knowing that Adrienne told me the news.  Of course he tried to comfort me by saying we did everything correctly and sometimes it just doesn’t work.  I told him how hard it is knowing that it was our last chance ever to have another baby.  He told me I’m young (37…not young in fertility years) and that there’s other options like iui.  We don’t have thousands to waste on iuis.  We had 4 and they didn’t work.  We can’t try on our own bc it just won’t work; my lining needs hard core meds to get thick enough to even support a pregnancy.  That’s on top of having PCOS and sperm issues.  Through tears, I thanked Dr. Molinaro for trying and thanked him for our 2 kids, telling him I’ll forever be grateful for him. He told me he’s there to help if we change our minds, but it really felt like goodbye to him and our journey.  I was looking forward to introducing all 3 of our kids some day when number 3 was born.  I did not expect our journey to end so abruptly and sadly.

It’s now Saturday morning and waking up was so disappointing to realize yesterday wasn’t just a really bad dream.  I keep getting hit with waves of grief and crying.  My heart is broken. I am just so so sad. I’ve never experienced grief like this. Knowing now that our lives will be different than what I envisioned, knowing that my birthday will now be a reminder every year of who we don’t have with us, especially this year, knowing that I should be snuggling a newborn.  Most people get to choose when they are done growing their family.  We didn’t get that choice.  I kept planning on one more pregnancy and one more baby to savor every moment of, knowing it would be our last.  I feel robbed of that. I feel like our kids are robbed of knowing their sibling, having a bigger family.  I didn’t even get to know her, but I will love and miss that little girl for the rest of my life, always wondering who she would’ve been.  I hope we get to meet her someday in heaven.

I honestly don’t know how long it will take to get over this.  All I know is it’s going to be hard and have a lot of shed tears.  This just doesn’t seem real and is absolutely devastating.

Embryo Transfer

Wednesday, February 15^th: Morning monitoring showed that my lining compressed to 6.8, which is normal once progesterone starts.  Still way better than with Paige’s transfer! One thing they saw though was some fluid in my uterus.  Remi (the nurse practitioner) tried pushing on my belly to remove the fluid, but it didn’t seem to budge.  She told me Dr. Molinaro can extract it with a catheter, but she will speak to him and see what he wants to do.  She asked if I could make it back into the office at some point today.  I told her I had a busy schedule (work, acupuncture, OT for Bradley) but I would make it work if I needed to.  A little after 10 am, Dr. Molinaro called about the fluid and transfer.  He said they don’t know what causes the fluid, but it can hinder pregnancy.  My options are 1) cancel the whole thing and try again next cycle (and spend another $2000+ on medications?! No thanks!), but he doesn’t recommend doing that or 2) Go ahead with the transfer and if there’s still fluid tomorrow, he’ll remove it right before the transfer since he’ll be there to do it.  Obviously we went with the second choice and omg I’m soooo happy he’s going to do my transfer!  He is not on the schedule so I wasn’t expecting him, but I am thrilled since I trust him the most.

Thursday, February 16^th: Transfer Day!  We made it to transfer day, when it seemed at times like it would never get here.  Check in at Basking Ridge is set for 11:55 am, transfer around 1.  We check in, pay for laser acupuncture ($225), and head to the waiting room.  We were the first people there for a transfer.  Around 12:25 we go to our room 124 and I get into my gown. The acupuncturist came in a few minutes later and did the laser acupuncture, which is so weird since you don’t feel a thing. Next came a nurse to make sure my bladder was full enough (it was).  A few minutes later around 1 pm she came back in with Dr. Molinaro, the embryologist, and our little embryo in a little petri dish inside an incubator.  We were told the embryo defrosted perfectly this morning and it is completely hatched.  I asked if this was ok since Bradley was not hatched and Paige was partially hatched.  He said it was perfect and meant it’s ready to stick.  They got the ultrasound in place, saw that the fluid from yesterday was gone (hooray!), we watched the embryologist suck up the little embryo into a catheter, watched the catheter get placed in just the right place, and out it shot!  I teared up a little and said quietly, “welcome back”.  After another round of acupuncture, we left with a picture of our embryo and hopefully a new little baby getting comfy inside.  Stick, baby, stick!  Conrad and I enjoyed a quick lunch outside since it was 60+ degrees before heading home to a regular rest of the day. Back to monitoring tomorrow to check my progesterone levels and then blood test next Friday the 24^th.  Fingers crossed!

Thursday, February 23^rd: Blood test tomorrow morning.  I am going to ask my nurse if she can call at 3 with the results so that I’m home when I get the news.  It’s a longer wait, but I’d like to be home.  This past week has been the longest wait ever!  I don’t remember the last waits being this long and torturous, but I’m sure they were.  I don’t even have to wait as long, since they’re testing me a day early to avoid me having to go into the office on a weekend (although I’ll still have to go back on Sunday to check for a rise in beta numbers if tomorrow is positive).  I don’t have any symptoms (but didn’t with either of my other pregnancies) but I’m so nervous because this is our last chance of ever having another baby.  Of course I calculated when I’ll be due if I am pregnant… November 4^th, my birthday!  I haven’t been looking for signs, but as usual, a few popped up along with this one.  Last birthday, I wished for our last embryo to work, and my next birthday is potentially my due date.  4 is my lucky number.  Bradley’s birthday is February SECOND, Paige is April THIRD, and this would be November FOURTH!  We were in room 124, getting my blood test on February 24^th.  I was browsing the kids clothing racks last Friday and in Paige’s size was a shirt that said Big Sister.  Really REALLY hoping these are good signs for tomorrow!

Will 3rd Time Be the Charm?

January 16^th: I was going to stop birth control today in order to start the transfer cycle BUT the whole family got hit with the stomach bug one at a time.  Bradley first on Thursday, Paige at 2 am- 8 am Sunday morning, and me on Monday evening/Tuesday.  Conrad got it on Thursday after me.  Luckily I didn’t throw up like everyone else but I was nauseous and had issues at the other end.  For each of us, it lasted less than 24 hours.  I told my nurse I would let her know when I was feeling better.

January 24^th: I gave myself a full week to feel completely better before starting the cycle.  Hopefully 3^rd time’s the charm! 

Morning monitoring (bloodwork and ultrasound) began January 27^th.  Gonal F shots began that night.  75 IUs.  I continued morning monitoring (January 30^th, February 2^nd, 4^th, 6^th) and 75 IUs.  On February 6^th, I got the call after monitoring and my nurse told me to add on a Ganirelix shot (stops ovulation).  I didn’t remember seeing this in my medication bag, so I texted Conrad asking him to look for it.  We did not have it!  I freaked out and called my nurse.  She was able to send the prescription to a “local” pharmacy so that I could pick it up that night.  I went to acupuncture, picked up Paige from my parents’ house, and set out on my way to Schraft’s Pharmacy, just over an hour north.  I hit some rush-hour traffic, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected it to be.  $450 later, I had my medicine (Ganirelix and more Gonal F/Follitism) and we started our hour and fifteen minute ride home.  Thank goodness Paige is an angel in the car!  When we got home, I opened the bag of medicine and saw Fyremadel, not Ganirelix.  I grabbed the bag of medicine that we already had and sure enough, Ganirelix is the generic version of Fyremadel… WHICH WE ALREADY HAD!   I didn’t stress about it though, because it meant we had enough in case I needed more on Wednesday.  I went back to morning monitoring on Wednesday and did end up needing those shots for 2 nights, so I did not waste $198 and my trip to the pharmacy.  After seeing my scans (biggest follicle 13.5mm and lining 6.4mm) and bloodwork, Dr. Molinaro upped my Gonal F shots to 100 IUs for 2 nights and had me go back on the morning of the 10^th.

February 10^th: Morning monitoring for ultrasound and blood work again.  My uterine lining needs to ideally be at least 7mm for a transfer.  For Paige’s transfer, my lining would not go past 6.7, but went down to 5.5 by the day of transfer.  My lining today was 7.3mm!!  Woohoo! I made it!   Trigger shot (Ovidrel) tonight to make me ovulate, and transfer will be Thursday the 16^th!  I’ll take endometrium 3 times a day and go back for morning monitoring on Wednesday to make sure everything is good to go for the transfer.  This is getting real now!

We’re coming for you little snowflake!

December- more waiting

December 14: Follow up saline sonogram to see if my surgery was successful.  It was!  The nurse practitioner did the sonogram and explained everything to me so I understood exactly what I was looking at.  What a relief!

December 22: Time for bloodwork and a scan to see if I’m ready to start my transfer cycle!  I woke up for morning monitoring and Conrad told me he didn’t sleep well, didn’t feel great, and had a fever.  I immediately told him to take a Covid test and headed out to monitoring.  Well, turns out he was positive.  I took a test when I got home and found out I was positive as well, without any symptoms.  Bradley was already at school, so we tested him when he got home and he was positive as well, with no symptoms.  Paige was negative, but I don’t know if I just didn’t get enough of the swab in her little nose.  Anyway, I messaged my nurse to tell her I tested positive, hoping it wouldn’t affect anything going forward.  She immediately called me.  She told me they had to let everyone at morning monitoring know that they were possibly exposed (everyone was wearing a mask thank goodness, but I still felt awful), and that everything was now on hold until I tested negative.  I was literally supposed to start medication that night.  Of course, back to waiting.  That seems to be the theme of our entire infertility journey.

Sometime over the next week, I was looking at my medications while organizing our storage closet and noticed that I seemed to be missing something.  Looking back at Paige’s transfer cycle, I realized I was missing an important medication used to stimulate my hormones.  My nurse called to see how I was doing and she told me she had a question about my meds…and I had a question for HER about my meds! Somehow, for some odd reason, my doctor switched the medication (but shouldn’t have).  But either way, neither medication was ordered.  It all got straightened out and I ordered Gonal-f…to the tune of another $756 in addition to the $700+ of medications already ordered. $750 for ONE medication!  As much as I don’t want to need 900ius put into my body, I really hope I don’t have much left over, since it cost SO much money and can’t be refunded, even if an entire box is unused.  Now realizing I didn’t have the medication, I never would’ve been able to start it back on December 22^nd, like planned.

In the meantime, Dr. Molinaro thought it would be best to go for a consultation at a high risk doctor to discuss my last pregnancy, what could’ve caused it, and what to do if it happens again.  I was able to get an appointment January 5^th at Cooper MFM, a practice located near Princeton, almost an hour away from us.  The MFM doctors I saw during my last pregnancy couldn’t get me in until January 26^th, and I didn’t want to wait until then. 

January 5^th:  We met with Dr. Dinh, told him all about my last pregnancy, and showed him a picture.  He was shocked, just like everyone else.  What he did say though, is that it was NOT an incarcerated uterus.  In fact, it was like the complete opposite.  An incarcerated uterus would’ve been tilting back into my body, and mine was tilting out.  Beyond that, he had no clue.  His best guess is that my diastasis recti allowed my uterus to tilt out, since the muscles were not together like before (even though I closed the gap a lot after Bradley).  He took a picture of the picture I showed him and asked if he could consult with his colleagues.  They had no idea either, so now we’re back to square one, not knowing at all why I had such a crazy big belly last time.

Incarcerated What?!

Remember that gigantic belly I had while pregnant with Paige?  Well, three years later, I may have finally found out what caused it.  When we went to our consult with Dr. Molinaro in August, he was reviewing my info and saw that I had a 9 pound baby. He asked, “Where did you fit a 9lb baby?!” I replied with a laugh, “Oh, let me show you!”  I pulled out my phone and showed him and his nurse a picture from 4 days before having Paige, where my belly was so big and heavy, it was resting on my thighs while I was standing.  He and the nurse were both shocked, along with anyone else who sees that picture. 

4 days before having Paige:

Fast forward about 15 minutes when I was in the exam room and Dr. Molinaro came in.  He said, “I think I might know what you had when you were pregnant!  It’s called an ‘incarcerated uterus’”. Say what?!  Basically, the uterus is always tilted a bit forward in the body.  When pregnant, it straightens to a vertical position.  In my case, an incarcerated uterus never straightened out and got “stuck” in a tilted position.  I saw 4 high risk doctors in addition to my regular obgyn doctors during that pregnancy, and not ONE ever mentioned anything about this.  I of course came home and started researching it.  Apparently Paige may be more of a miracle than we realized, if I in fact had an incarcerated uterus.  Incarcerated uterus is rare, happening to 1 in every 3,000-10,000 pregnancies.  A complication in the first trimester is miscarriage.  Complications in the second and third trimester include fetal death, uterine rupture, bladder rupture, premature labor and delivery, intrauterine growth restriction, renal failure, and sepsis.  In other words, it is a rare condition that can be devastating if left untreated.  Most women experience symptoms of pelvic pain, issues going to the bathroom, and fever; 8% of women are asymptomatic… of course I was in the 8%.  Most pregnancies with an incarcerated uterus do not reach term.  Rarely, asymptomatic cases will make it to term, with the main difference being the position of the cervix, which does not affect fetal growth.  I fall into this category apparently.  If a c-section is performed, it needs to be done in a different way because of the position of the uterus.  If a c-section were performed as it is on a normal pregnancy, they could cut through the vaginal wall and bladder, causing major bleeding and possibly death.  I was SO close to having a c-section with Paige.  If my delivering doctor’s friend wasn’t around to assist in the birth, I would’ve had a c-section…and who knows if I would’ve lived through it with such a scary risk; if I did, I could’ve had major issues.  I am convinced someone was watching over me, keeping me and Paige safe.  From the time we walked out of our embryo transfer and saw the yellow butterfly meaning “new life”, to the multiple yellow butterflies I saw over the next 9 days before getting a positive pregnancy test (especially when I was worrying if our transfer worked), to keeping Paige safely growing inside me, to keeping my organs safe from rupture, to making it through a difficult labor without a risky surgery.  Thank you, guardian angel, whoever you are. 

Snow-flake Baby: noun

Snowflake Baby: noun 1. A baby born following the transfer of a surplus embryo produced during in-vitro fertilization.

Will our 3^rd and last little snowflake join their siblings?  The last of our little frozen triplets.  Ever since spring 2016, we have known we had 3 genetically normal embryos.  Since July 2016, we have known the genders of those embryos- 1 of one gender and 2 of the other.  Two of those embryos have turned into our amazing Bradley and Paige, and while they keep us busy, we said from the beginning that we would give each embryo a chance at life.  With only one embryo left, I can’t leave it behind; I would regret it for the rest of my life and always wonder who that baby would turn out to be.  Now, of course there’s no guarantee it will work, but it has the same chance that Paige had (better possibly because of the issues I had with my lining with Paige). 

The waiting game begins once again.  June 2022, I made an appointment to talk to Dr. Molinaro…but had to wait until August 17^th.  We went over my last pregnancy and birth (Dr. Molinaro was shocked I had such a big baby) and the game plan going forward for our last transfer.  I scheduled a saline sonogram on August 26^th and found out I had scar tissue in my uterus.  I was able to clearly see the scar tissue myself, connecting 2 sides together.  Major bummer.  I was told someone would be calling me to schedule another hysteroscopy to clear it out and should receive the call within a week or two.  Three and a half weeks later on September 30^th, they finally called and the first available date they had was Thursday, November 3^rd.  I took it and then found out my mom was having skin cancer surgery on her nose that morning.  Luckily my dad would be home to watch Paige for a couple hours.

November 3^rd– Hysteroscopy number 2 is here.  We had to be up at the CARES Surgicenter in New Brunswick by 9 am.  Bradley gets the bus at 7:33, then it’s a 30-35 minute drive to Little Silver to drop Paige off, and then a 50 minute ride to New Brunswick.  We of course left a few minutes later than planned, and were about 15 minutes late by the time we parked and got inside.  Once I was all checked in, I headed back to the room about 9:45 and was told my surgery would be at 10:30.  Conrad wasn’t allowed back with me, so he went back to sit in the car so he could do some work and not have to wear a mask for hours.  I got changed into my gown, got asked a few questions, had my IV set up, and then the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me.  He said they already finished a couple procedures this morning and Dr. Bohrer was just finishing up his paperwork.  Another nurse came in to introduce herself as a nurse during surgery and a couple minutes later, Dr. Bohrer came to get me for surgery.  It was 10:15.  MUCH better than the 3 hour delay I had with my first hysteroscopy.  I was in surgery for about an hour and a half again.

When I woke up, I was told I had a uterine balloon catheter put in.  I remember hearing about the possibility of this a few years ago before my first hysteroscopy, but this time Dr. Bohrer said he would just explain it if it came to needing one.  After I woke up a bit from the anesthesia and stopped shaking uncontrollably with chills from it, Dr. Bohrer came in to let me know what he found.  Unfortunately, there was a lot more scarring than what was seen on the saline sonogram, as well as some more calcified placenta pieces.  Because of the extensive scarring, a balloon catheter needed to be placed to keep the walls apart so they don’t connect again with scar tissue.  The balloon will stay in for a week and then be removed during morning monitoring.  I started on estradiol, which is estrogen, to make the lining grow and hopefully avoid more scar tissue.  In about a month, I will go back to Dr. Molinaro for another saline sonogram to make sure scar tissue doesn’t grow back.  If it does, I need another hysteroscopy.  If it doesn’t, we can proceed with our third and final embryo transfer.  Praying it’s the latter.

After anesthesia, I was just feeling really tired and having a hard time waking up.  Just before getting dressed, I started to feel a little nauseous and asked for a bag or something to bring in the car.  The nurse gave me anti-nausea medicine and a one of those little hospital pails in case I got sick.  The feeling would come and go.  In the car ride home, I kept my eyes closed most of the time.  I woke up with 10 minutes until home and felt nauseous.  Thank goodness for the little pail, because I actually got sick.  Barely anything but a little liquid came out since I had nothing in me.  The feeling lasted only a few minutes and then was gone.  When we got home, I hung out downstairs for a little while to see the kids and then went up to bed for a nap since I was still feeling super tired.  I had no appetite but forced myself to eat an English muffin about 10 pm so that I could take my antibiotic, which requires food.  The antibiotic is because of the catheter not being sterile since it comes to the outside of me.  I tape the end to the front of my hip but have to keep gauze or a paper towel over the end because it is still leaking blood and fluid.  This is going to be a long week with this thing in, and tricky to fit clothes to fit for work while hiding the lump of the tube on my hip. So today, my 37^th birthday, I just hung around the house, still feeling the effects of anesthesia.  At least it was a relaxing day!

11 Months

11 Months – March 3, 2021

Weight: 20lbs 4oz -no change since last month

Height: 27.5 inches +

Hair: Getting longer and thicker

Eyes: Blue with a little honey color still and extremely long lashes

Clothes: mostly 12 months with a couple 9 month things still fitting (mostly just her undershirts)

Diapers: Size 3

Sleeping: We’ve had a few really good nights with only 1 wake up and 6-7 hours stretches

Likes:  Walking around while we hold her hand or with her walker, riding on a little car, eating what we’re eating, especially tacos and pasta! dancing with us, watching Bradley, drinking water, watching and petting Pepper, her jumpers, books, Mickey, holding my phone, chewing on everything, when we sing the Paigey Girl song I made up, Baa Baa Black Sheep, and Grand Old Duke of York

Dislikes: when we tough her arms, playing alone for more than a couple minutes

Eating: Paige nurses every 3-4 hours on average and eats whatever we’re eating for each meal.  She loves chicken, tacos, meatballs, pasta, white cheddar popcorn, cheese, yogurt, applesauce, and anything else we give her.  

Milestones: CRAWLING!! She crawled on her own for the first time today! Clapping more, lots of talking, turning the pages in books, great pincer grasp, leaning more to reach things, starting to pull herself up to standing, walking with her walk-behind walker, signing “more” and “all done”, saying mamama, dadada, momomo (more)

Paige’s physical therapy is paying off!  She can roll from back to belly now, leans to reach things, and can now crawl!

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10 Months

10 Months – February 3, 2021

Weight: 20lbs 4oz

Height: 27.5 inches +

Hair: Getting longer and thicker.  Fuzzy in the back bc she sleeps on her back.  In front she has one super long strand of hair that is original from when she was born

Eyes: Blue with a little honey color still

Clothes: mostly 12 months with a couple 9 month things still fitting (mostly just her undershirts)

Diapers: Size 3

Sleeping: We’ve had a few really good nights with only 1 wake up and 6-7 hours stretches

Likes:  Walking around while we hold her hand or with her walker, eating what we’re eating, especially tacos! dancing with us, watching Bradley, drinking water, watching and petting Pepper, her jumpers, books, Mickey, holding my phone, chewing on everything, when we sing the Paigey Girl song I made up and Baa Baa Black Sheep

Dislikes: diaper changes in the night, playing alone for more than a couple minutes, not being able to move on her own .  I can’t WAIT for her to be able to crawl!

Eating: Paige nurses every 3-4 hours on average and eats whatever we’re eating for each meal.  She loves chicken, tacos, meatballs, pasta, white cheddar popcorn, cheese, yogurt, applesauce, and anything else we give her.  

Milestones: Clapping more, lots of talking, turning the pages in books, great pincer grasp, leaning more to reach things, starting to pull herself up to standing, walking with her walk-behind walker, signing “more” and “all done”, saying mamama, dadada, momomo (more)

Paige started physical therapy a few weeks ago for her gross motor skills.  We are working on her reaching more for objects, getting from her back to belly (and hopefully crawling), up to her knees, and from knees to standing.  We are doing virtual visits and they last an hour, which is a long time for her; she gets very tired by the end and wants nothing to do with it by 45 minutes in.  She’s starting to make some progress, which is good.  I can’t wait for her to be able to crawl so she can follow us around and doesn’t have to be stuck sitting in one spot and having us carry her around; she’s heavy!

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